Old Stuff, Part Two: Forbidden Planet

I’ve always been old. Last week, I wrote about my undying love for the brothers Marx, but it doesn’t stop there.  I remain less than convinced that adding sound to motion pictures (or flicker shows, if you prefer) was an entirely good idea.

But, folks, there is some truly great stuff back there in the past, and I’d like to continue sharing some of that stuff with you this week.

Because everybody loves spaceship movies this week, I think there is no better time to introduce you to the spaceship movie. The original, you might say.

I could write—and have, on occasion considered writing—an entire book about Gene Roddenberry. Twenty-five plus years after his death, his legacy as the semi-messianic, borderline Hubbard-esque figure at the center of the Star Trek phenomenon. The truth appears to paint a far different picture of the man. At best, he is the template for James Cromwell’s portrayal of Zefram Cochrane in Star Trek: First Contact (1996)*, at worst he was a credit-hogging charlatan, the worst parts of Trek are the parts for which he is most directly responsible**. 

Nowhere is his status as “visionary” more in question, than when we realize that his precious vision of a semi-militarized, faster-than-light human race comes directly from the MGM science fiction classic, Forbidden Planet (1956).

Commander Adams checks in on a previously thought lost human expedition to the far-off planet Altair IV. There he finds remains of a super-advanced alien civilization, the humans left behind by early exploration to the region, and (because it’s a movie) a pretty girl***. Robots, spaceships, alien planets ensue. Everything you love about Trek (aside from the occasionally non-sensical utopia influences) appears in this movie first. While it’s electronic-synth score places the film firmly as a product of its time, it’s important once again to realize this film originated these tropes. 

The movie transcends these tropes, and rises above the B-movie trappings not only through its innovation of a sub-genre that dominates the Sci-Fi world of today, but also its special effects. It would be hard to fathom that a movie now over 60 years old sports a mixture of model, miniature, process, and optical effects that still hold up today, but somehow they do. It’s almost as if the level of technology used in producing special effects is meaningless, and the real important matter is the care with which those tools are implemented. Miniature models can look great, like in this film, or they can dangle from a string in the works of someone like Ed Wood. I suppose CGI, as well, can be used to terrific effect by the like of…

All right, maybe practical effects work is always better. My bad.

At any rate, if you’re a fan of Star Trek or really any of what we now take for granted in the modern American science fiction film, and you haven’t seen Forbidden Planet, then you need to remember your roots. This might be the point in the article where I recommend various streaming services to find the movie… The thing is, it’s not on Netflix, it’s not on Amazon Prime, nor is it on Hulu. I guess you’ll have to just find it on DVD or Blu Ray, which come to think of it, might need to be a topic for another one of these “old things” blog posts.

Anyway, we may pick up this discussion again next week with some other items to consider. I may move on to some other topics as well. There’s probably some end-of-the-year things I want to ruminate on before 2018 begins, and with it, some changes to this space.

*The writers and producers insist that this isn’t the case, but I imagine that their denials are a bit of self-preservation, as the surviving Roddenberrys had and still have a significant influence over the fan base. I think they could probably admit the Cochrane-Roddenberry connection now, but people just aren’t asking the in-depth questions about movies from twenty years ago that I think should be asked.

**And I also have suspicion that, were he alive today, we’d be having a far different conversation about him.

***Sound familiar? It’s essentially the plot of The Cage, the first, embryonic trailer of The Original Series starring one-time-Jesus, Jeffery Hunter. I’m on to you, Roddenberry. Death will not protect you.

Old Stuff, Part One: The Marx Brothers

I’ve always been old. I started shaving in the fifth grade*. My artillery of typewriters speak to some sort of perpetual untimeliness. For a man (allegedly) under the age of 80, I have an unusually large amount of pre-war radio programs on my iTunes account. I have spent a near-career’s worth of time insisting on Orson Welles becoming cool again. My preternaturally old bona fides cannot be disputed.

But, folks, there is some truly great stuff back there in the past, and I’d like to share some of it with you now.

Comedy is a thing that doesn’t often age well. While he is undoubtedly human society’s premiere summoner for the turn of phrase, the comedies of Shakespeare are less “laugh out loud**” funny, than, per Byron, they merely end with a wedding***. For my money, the fact that the writing of Mark Twain is still funny over 100 years after the great man’s death is one of the great miracles in all of human culture.

The only ones who have any hope of re-creating that feat are Groucho, Harpo, Chico, Zeppo (sure), and (I guess) Gummo. The Marx Brothers are always funny. Forget The Three Stooges, move past Abbott and Costello****, and even Charlie Chaplin needs to take a back seat to the Marxes. They are congenitally unable to be unfunny. They’re so funny that Harpo—who doesn’t talk—still found a way to be funny on the radio*****. Even in the later years, after Gummo****** and Zeppo moved on, they were great. You Bet Your Life, the game show Groucho hosted in the later years? Great. A Night in Casablanca (1946), the last true Marx Brothers movie*******? Fantastic. Hell, the Vlasic pickle commercials reach for greatness simply because their corporate mascot is trying to be Groucho… Except, you know, he’s a stork… for reasons.

But for those looking to just dip their toe in the water, I have a primer to help guide you in your first steps. I might suggest The Vintage Radio Shows, currently available on iTunes. It has a lot of the great musical numbers from their best films, but outside of context, the best parts may not work as well as I think they do. In that case: watch the films themselves. If you’re not won over as a complete fan of the Brothers after viewing these movies, then I don’t know how to help you anymore.

The Cocoanuts (1929)

All right. This one is a bit of a challenge to get through for a newbie, but if you’re into it, then you’re a Marx Brothers fan for life. Shortly after the advent of the talking picture, Hollywood didn’t really know what to do with their brand new toy, and defaulted to doing not much more than taping a performance of stage plays. See The Jazz Singer (1927) and even Dracula (1931)******** for further examples of the stilted early history of the talkie. The Cocoanuts is not exempt from this phenomenon. The film isn’t at all cinematic, and there are long stretches where banter between the brothers (and the noises of Harpo) halt altogether in favor of song and dance numbers. Things were different before the Great Depression, I guess, but it’s still worth a look.

Animal Crackers (1930)

This entry in their oeuvre moves on from the limitations of early sound pictures, while still keeping the Brothers true to their theatrical roots. “Hooray for Captain Spaulding” can fairly be deemed Groucho’s theme song, following him to the later years of his career on the aforementioned You Bet Your Life. The film also sports the ultimate dangling modifier joke:

One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got into my pajamas I’ll never know.

It’s a funny line, made all the funnier by the fact that Groucho is giving himself a hard time. It’s a peek into the appeal of the Brothers, in that as much as they introduce chaos into every movie they appear, they are committed to making their own lives just as difficult as everyone else’s.

As I read the above description of the film, I should probably mention that it is genuinely enjoyable as a whole. I felt like I needed to be a little clearer on that front.

Duck Soup (1933) 

I’m going to go out on a limb and proclaim that this movie is the Marx Brothers movie. Rufus T. Firefly (Groucho) is the sudden leader of Freedonia, land of the “freeeeee and braaaaaaaaaaaave.” One might be tempted to call Firefly and his administration corrupt, but he is all too aware of his deficiency of scruples. The rich people of the country wanted him to run things, so what could be done? Sound familiar? It may just be the Marx Brothers movie we need right now.

Next week, I’ll continue our journey into the geriatric, although I’m not entirely sure where I’ll go next. The old Universal Monsters? Forbidden Planet? Maybe I’ll do both.

*It actually happened. It was traumatic. But, by all means, have a chuckle.

**Or LOL, as the kids are fond of using lately.

***As opposed to his other plays, that end with a funeral. If Johnny Carson were here, he’d say “What’s the difference?” For the record, I do not co-sign on that ad lib. While I enjoy marriage, weddings can be quite a chore.

****Unless they’re bumping into the Frankenstein’s monster, or any of his other pals, but I’m thinking we’ll get into that next week.

*****Edgar Bergen and Charlie McCarthy, eat your heart out.

******Who didn’t even stick around for the group’s film career. Thanks a lot, World War I.

*******Yes, I know Zeppo, Groucho, and Harpo all appear together in Love Happy (1949), but Groucho is not much more than a cameo. …Casablanca is the true last Marx Brothers movie.

********Seriously. Beyond Lugosi’s performance, the one vampire film that everyone can name off the top of their heads may legally qualify as a sedative.

Okay, Warner Bros. Time for us to have another one of those little chats.

Hey, Warner Bros. It’s been a long time. No, I still don’t think the name “Martha” is a sufficient plot development around which to build an entire screenplay, but I don’t want to talk about that. We’re friends; we’ve been friends for a long time. Let’s talk about something else.

So Justice League is a thing. You went waaaaay simpler on the title. That’s good. 

You picked up Joss Whedon for some relief pitching. Tragic why it came to that point, but I think you hired the right guy to finish the job. 

Wonder Woman (the film) and Wonder Woman (the character) are legit, and you doubled down on that. Good; very good. 

Danny Elfman’s doing the score? Is he going to bring back his theme from Batman (1989)? He is? Well, you’ve got a hit on your hands if I’ve ever heard of one.

What’s that? Why wouldn’t you use the Flash you have set up on television? He’s even super dimension-hoppy… Fine, whatever. Flashpoint will sort this all out.

Who’s the villain? Steppenwolf? Like “Born to be Wild”/“Magic Carpet Ride” Steppenwolf? No, he’s a… with horns, you say…? Oh, a helmet. Like the dude at the beginning of Thor: Ragnarok? No, not like that… Why not use Darkseid? You’re wanting to tease that out. :sigh: That’s fine, we can’t blame you for aping a format that certainly has worked for the other guys. Actually, I can blame you for that, but we’ll get to that later.

Wait… What’s that about Henry Cavill’s mustache?

An actual frame from the movie.

The same frame, unaltered. Don't look it up. Just trust me.

Oh, Warner Bros, you sweet, innocent, beautiful summer child. What have we learned?

All Newhart-esque riffs aside, Zack Snyder’s third film with Superman as a character* is out now, and is fine. While it certainly doesn’t have any of the bewilderingly bad choices that Martha v Martha: Dawn of Martha had**, it still isn’t nearly as thrilling as Patty Jenkins’ Wonder Woman, but plays it far safer than the interesting-in-concept, but uneven Man of Steel (2013). Is it a step in the right direction for the floundering DCEU? No. It actually moves the proceedings back to the gestalt of Mommy v Mommy: Mommy of Mommy; as it turns out, Wonder Woman was the step in the right direction. That right direction, as it turns out, would be to make a bunch (and not just one) really watchable movie, then try to bring those disparate elements into a huge crowd pleaser. If only there was somebody out there that had already done this. That would be marvelous.

And that’s where I come in with some thoughts about the future of the DCEU, especially in light of League’s anemic box office. The internet has already buzzed about the possibility, and several news items have indicated that Warner Bros. may be thinking in this direction, but it may be time to abandon the Marvel business model. DC might have had a chance at being the second person to the party, but too many missed opportunities, murky creative strategies, and well, let’s face it, Marthas mean that DC may never truly get it together. The massive superhero movie continuity may not be possible to replicate. Heck, any massive movie continuity is not likely to have the benefit of a Robert Downey Jr. opening salvo, and thus, falter. Just ask the poor, maligned Universal monsters, who—despite their proud tradition of creating the idea of a cinematic shared universe before 1950—have had to endure now two false starts in twice as many years at uniting their stable of characters.

So don’t try, DC. Be weird. Don’t worry about setting up the next movie. In fact, it might be better if you’re no 100% sure what the next movie will even be. That Scorcese-produced Joker movie? I’d rather you didn’t go back to that well, but as long as Jared Leto stays home, I’m in. Flashpoint could cleanse the palette, give Affleck a dignified*** exit, allow Gal Gadot to keep making Wonder Woman movies in perpetuity, and restore Henry Cavill’s upper lip to its once-humanoid glory…

But what do I really want you to do DC? What is the only Christmas wish this boy has on his list?

You know what I’m about to say.

Last year, I wrote here on the blog about how I would have preferred DC handle its shared universe. It didn’t involve Affleck, and it didn’t really involve Batman, per se. You didn’t take that course here, but if you are truly giving up the ghost on being Marvel-lite, can I ask for one movie to be included in your increasingly Elseworlds-esque slate…

Batman Beyond… with Michael Keaton as Bruce Wayne. You can even bring back Danny Elfman to do the score.

Get that done, Warner Bros., and everything will be forgiven. Including any and all Marthas that may come up between now and then.

*Spoiler alert? Can something be a spoiler alert if the bit of info is built out of pure inevitability? These are the questions I ponder at night when sleep eludes me.

**Although it still did manage to include an irritating tag scene with profoundly miscast Jesse Eisenberg as Lex Luthor.

***He wants a “cool” way out of the role, and presumably never have to talk about it again, but I think the “best Batman to never be in a good Batman movie” can be erased from existence via the Cosmic treadmill, right?

You May Say I’m A Dreamer, but I’m Not The Only One*: More Content Creators

Look. Here’s the most difficult part about putting your creativity out there. It isn’t that you might not be good enough, although anyone who doesn’t have that thought may be in need of more intense psychotherapy then they hopefully already receive. It isn’t the fear that people might not understand your work. I would be thrilled to have a base of non-fans that hate my work with an active passion. Jokes aside; everyone would love to be Nickelback.

No, the most harrowing reality of the creative life is that most people aren’t going to care one shit about what you’ve made. As time has gone on, I have done increasingly better at selling my books at events, but it would be hard to do worse than how events went initially. The first book event I ever did—and I’ve told this story a number of times, but never here on the blog—I only had Right - A Novel of Politics available. It was a long five hours of polite disinterest. I made one sale that day, to a lady who thought she was standing in line for something else, didn’t speak much English, and was too polite to admit either. #stillcounts

It can be difficult to get people to care**. We small-timers need signal boosts wherever we can get them. So, after three months of bring you The Fourth Wall, I think I might be tired of talking about my own stuff. Let’s change it up, shall we? I’m going to devote this entire blog to the other creators out there. Sure the masterminds behind all of these products are friends, but I have, would, and do partake of all of these items and brand. They come with the official Party Now, Apocalypse Later seal of approval.

I’ve talked on this space about A Murder of Storytellers before. Since their initial collection, Happy Days, Sweetheart, they’ve been putting out anthologies twice a year, giving up-and-coming authors the world over a chance at their first exposure to the larger world of letters. Their latest, The Misbehaving Dead, released just last month and more are on the schedule. Adrean Messmer runs the show, and she and Jack Burgos have extended their profile by starting a YouTube channel devoted to readings of horror flash fiction. Check it out!

Hate to read? Well, sure… But reading had nothing but good things to say about you. If you prefer to get your information and entertainment through your ears, can I recommend a podcasting network to you? No, not The Fourth Wall… If you’re here, you’ve probably already listened to that. Check out the Snarkcasts, part of the Gumbie Cat Network. Collective Snark (a general pop culture chat show), Beyond the Cabin in the Woods (A Good Ghoul’s Guide to Horror), and Once More With Feeling (a 20th anniversary Buffy fancast) should all provide ample enjoyment for your commute, jog, or other activity where reading may not be ideal***. Your humble blogger may appear**** in some of those episodes, so why aren’t you already listening.

Looking for something a little… Sigh. There’s no adjective I would type here that I wouldn’t feel weird sharing with you, so let’s just get into porn, all right?  But before I start talking about porn, let’s frame our discussion. Just because something is porn, does it have to be bad? Should it be bad?

Or in the alternative, just because it’s porn, can’t it have a little bit of story?

Yeah, I’m not sure what the answer to any of those questions are, but at Inkubus Publishing LLC, the shadowy and mysterious Gio Lassater is ensuring that smut with a plot reigns supreme. At press time, Lassater refused requests for an interview. In fact, to this day, no one has seen Lassater in person. How mysterious, Shannon. Check them out here. Don’t worry; I won’t judge you.

As you can see, we’re all hard at work, but it isn’t always easy. There are moments that I (and, I would assume, the creators listed above) struggle with going on like this. Success may never come, but it will certainly never come if we don’t go through all of this in the first place. Author Roxanne Gay took to Twitter recently to decry the idea of the over-night success and argue for the development of craft in pursuit of eventual success. It was something I needed to hear, and you should probably check it out. 

There are probably more straightforward, less fun paths to success and prosperity, but if it’s all the same to everybody, I’m going to stay right here. In the mean time, take a look at everybody else. We could use your eyes. On our stuff. We don’t actually want to steal your eyes. Well, I can’t vouch for everybody up above. Some of them might very much be interested in harvesting organs.

*Please don’t sue, Yoko Ono.

**About anything, I suppose, but that’s probably a blog post for a different time.

***Macrame is about the only viable excuse for not reading that I can think of.

****Read: has appeared, and has already recorded future appearances.

Cheat Week, Volume Two, Part Five: Guys, haven't I earned it?

:gives the mic a quick thwack: Is this thing still on?

Quick quiz: When was the last non-Fourth Wall related blog I wrote? I had to check. It was three months ago. Twelve weeks of posts. The last time I posted a "cheat week" blog, it was eighteen weeks ago. I'm tired, folks. And that's okay. I'm going to to take a minute to look around. I've been  watching some movies. Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Men Tell No Tales barely qualifies as a human experience, The Circle seems like it was sold on a false premise, Thor: Ragnarok is a delight, and Justice League is certainly an improvement over Batman v Superman: Dawn of Misguided Media Strategy, but it would be hard to get worse than the dread Martha debacle. I've been reading these weird paper-bound things. I think their called books.

I'm also tinkering with stuff. The new book is coming along. New blog entries, too. Just before The Fourth Wall began, I posted on this space about how there's lot of fun stuff planned in the future. That's still the case.

See everybody next week.

ICYMI: THE FIRST SEASON FINALE OF THE FOURTH WALL

In typing this "ICYMI" entry, I am performing my last entry as the show runner of The Fourth Wall's first season. I hope you've enjoyed the season, and the episode.

I've been hanging out around here for over a year, but now it's time to leave for a while. As I leave, I see shopkeepers putting up tinsel around their store fronts. Reggie isn't happy about it. Where recently there stood a Starbucks, the Watson Memorial is under construction. On their way to The Board Room, Abigail and Hawthorne are arguing about... something. It sounds bleak.

I kind of wish I could tell them what's going to happen to them in the future, but that's not the way this works. Doesn't make me any less responsible for it, I suppose...

As I enter one of the gate generators, none other than Orson Welles is waiting for me.

"Shall we, young man?" he asks.

"Sure," I reply. "But just one last time. Also, I didn't know you were fictional."

He contorts his right eyebrow, and I put my hands up in supplication. "I'm kidding. Let's go."

I take one last look around. It feels like an ending, and yet, I know I will be back. I join Orson in the vehicle and request the Board Room to open a gate to a particular fictional world with which I am familiar. They kindly oblige.

ICYMI: THE FIFTH EPISODE OF THE FOURTH WALL

In case you missed it, find here the fifth--and penultimate--episode of The Fourth Wall's first season. After last week and this week's episode, I can assure you we have expended our budget of downer endings. Next week will be as rousing a finish as I can manage. Still have to finish editing that episode, but perhaps by the time I actually pos this entry, I might be much further along in that process.

ICYMI: THE FOURTH EPISODE OF THE FOURTH WALL (GET IT?)

In case you missed it, find here the fourth episode of The Fourth Wall. Hopefully, the ending hasn't been spoiled yet. If it has, there are still plenty of surprises in store before the season finale in a couple of weeks. Don't worry; it all ends well... Mostly. Anyone else had recurring dreams about what they were going to do when the season is over? No? Just me. That's fine. Back to work! 

ICYMI: THE FOURTH WALL'S first tie-in book: HAVE TIME, WILL TRAVEL

I'm usually against the idea of guilty pleasures. In the same regard, I'm a sucker for a media tie-in book. So, when the idea to write a "Pick the Plot" story in the universe of The Fourth Wall, I jumped at the chance. I even turned my musings on the subject into a post here on the blog. 

As the radio show took a break this week, we at PNAL released said book. It's available on the kindle store as I type. Find it here.

When will it be available in paperback??? Well, to answer that: 

Your guess is as good as mine, but I'll be sure to keep you posted. #createspacesucks

ICYMI: Episode three of THE FOURTH WALL

In case you missed it, find here the third episode The Fourth Wall. It should probably bear mentioning that the episode is a work of fiction, and that any resemblance to people or events is entirely coincidental and unintentional.

It should also bear mentioning that in The Fourth Wall, the above distinction is essentially meaningless.

This week, the show will be down, as we complete post production on the second half of the season. But worry not. The Fourth Wall, Pick the Plot #1: "Have Time, Will Travel" will be released, to sate you until episode 4 launches next week.

ICYMI: Episode two of THE FOURTH WALL

In case you missed it, find here the second episode of The Fourth Wall. I created monsters an androids out of almost nothing. I hope you enjoy it.

ICYMI: The Series Premiere of THE FOURTH WALL

We released the first episode of The Fourth Wall this week. In case you missed it, here are a couple avenues to listen. We'll release episode 2--"Incomplete"--on Wednesday. In the mean time, watch this space.

Fear the vampire Dracula. He is already all around you.

The premiere episode of The Fourth Wall, “Clipped Wings,” will run this Wednesday, September 27th. Over the last several weeks here on the blog we’ve run brief introductions to the characters for the show. We began with the series’ lead, Abigail Westing. Read all about her here. Second, we caught up with the aging sidekick to Sherlock Holmes, John Watson, MD. Read all about him, here. Last week we got to know Edgar Allan Poe’s “The Raven” a little bit better. It turns out his name is Reggie, and you can read all about him here.

This week, we take the long, winding journey up the Carpathian Mountains. The villagers at the base of the mountain insist that you take a crucifix with you, if only for your mother’s sake. At the peak, you find a lonely castle, nearly abandoned. Here, you will find the vampire, Count Dracula, although, sadly, you will not return the same as when you arrived.

Or, at least you would have found him there. One might think that the story would be over after the Harker party dispatched the one who once lived as Vlad Țepeș*, but one could not be more wrong. The vampire Dracula went on myriad adventures after Bram Stoker finished with him. Now, he lies in wait, one clear thought going through his mind: revenge on The Fourth Wall.

The Fourth Wall fears his resurgence, even though they’ve had ninety years to get ready. He could—and will—strike at any time. Vigilance might save you, but then again, he’s already all around you. He could be right behind you as you read this.

Dracula is essayed by CJ Miles IV. One factor above all else put him at the top of the list for the role: his absolute passion for the character. Miles said, “It’s… a pleasure to play one of my favorite literary characters ever… Dracula knows what he is: a monster, a villain. He doesn’t want to be redeemed; he might have once, but not anymore. He is ruthless, he is powerful, he is cunning, he is intelligent, and he can turn your allies against you. The Fourth Wall’s Dracula is aware enough of his losses in his own story that he knows leading from the front is unlikely to go well, and that only makes him more dangerous.” 

Since the beginning of 2016, we have posted an entry every week here at the blog. Some have been longer. some have been shorter. I wrote most of them, a few were written by guest bloggers. Next week, we’re going to take seven weeks off as the show runs. I will be posting here, but just with some information about each week’s episode. Here is the schedule:

September 27th - Episode 1: “Clipped Wings” (Series Premiere)

October 4th - Episode 2: “Incomplete”

October 11th - Episode 3: “Pilgrim’s Progress”

October 18th - The Fourth Wall podcast will be taking a week off, but fear not! There will still be new The Fourth Wall to consume. Party Now, Apocalypse Later Industries will release a Pick-the-Plot tie-in book “Have Time, Will Travel.” The Time Traveller from H.G. Wells’ The Time Machine makes a visit to the The Fourth Wall. Hilarity ensues. At least, I think it does. We’ll be sure to post more details about that when they become available.

October 25th: Episode 4: “A Visit From an Old Friend”

November 1st: Episode 5: “A Study in Flashback”

November 8th: Episode 6: “Backwards and in High Heels” (Season Finale)

Sir Arthur Conan Doyle willing and the creek don’t rise, we’ll be back with regular blog posts here on November 19th. Meanwhile, strike while the iron is hot! Find out where to subscribe to The Fourth Wall podcast here.

*I’ve had to type that name more than a few times in the year-plus since I’ve started working on The Fourth Wall, and every time I’ve had to copy and paste it from the script of episode 1.

This is Reggie. He is a bird. He is very sensitive about it.

The premiere episode of The Fourth Wall, “Clipped Wings,” will run on Wednesday, September 27th. Therefore, over the next several weeks here on the blog we’ll run brief introductions to the characters for the show. Two weeks ago, we discussed the series’ lead, Abigail Westing. Read all about her here. Last week, we caught up with the aging sidekick to Sherlock Holmes, John Watson, MD. Read all about him, here.

This week, I must offer an apology to the memory of Edgar Allan Poe. While his poem, “The Raven,” is a classic, he got it all wrong. The bird that haunts poor Lenore’s widower never meant to scare anybody. He was just seeing if he could borrow a cup of Nevermore Brand Absinthe.

His name is Reggie, if you please, and that “poem”* is one of the great miscarriages of literary justice. He’s tried to move on from that fateful midnight dreary, but only more indignity awaited him when he started his new life at The Fourth Wall. When he arrived at The Wall, he thought he’d find a life of adventure and wonder.

Instead, he has to work in the mail room. Where else would a bird find gainful employment in the world? Having spent the last 170 years making sure inter-office memos reach their intended recipient, he’s developed a caustic sense of humor and a deep skepticism about the stoicism displayed by Director John Watson, MD and his Fourth Wall agents. 

And yet, his bravery can not be denied. Having singled-wingedly—and at great personal cost—repelled a recent attempted invasion from the vampire Dracula, Director Watson has little choice but to give Reggie an opportunity to prove his mettle among the agents of The Fourth Wall. He agrees readily, although he may yet live to regret the decision. Now, the hours are terrible, the work is hard, and he’s in mortal danger nearly every week. Some may think he’s not up to the job, but few can deny that he is the very heart and soul of The Fourth Wall.

Reggie is voiced by Mac Bayle. I’m sorry, that should read Boyle… as he is, um… Me. Why would I have decided to play one of the main characters, in addition to co-creating, writing, directing, editing, and overseeing all of the tie-in material for The Fourth Wall? Because I’m a deeply broken person, that’s why. Really, folks: Seeing all those posts written out like that makes even me question my sanity.

But seriously really, of the few acting roles I’ve taken a stab at, Reggie is the closest to my own personality. Not only that, but of all the characters I’ve written, he is the closest to me, feathers and beak notwithstanding. Sorry, Orson.

I’d write more about Reggie in this space, but guys… I’ve got to finish the actual radio show that all of this is leading to. Currently we have two episodes in the can. That’s some runway for when the show starts running on 9/27. But I gotta get more. I just gotta. Can’t stop. Can’t ever stop.

Ahem.

Next week, we’ll wrap up our pieces on the characters of The Fourth Wall with a warning. Dracula is already all around you. He’ll strike when you least expect it. In the mean time, find where to subscribe to The Fourth Wall podcast here.

*Reggie made me put that in quotes. He’s very particular on that matter, even if I think “The Raven”—at the very least—does not need quotation marks around it. That is, unless we’re talking about the title. Punctuation is super hard folks. That’s why I’m working in audio now. Also, it should bear mentioning that Reggie The Raven™ is not—to my knowledge—real. I think. Ahem.

(Re)Introducing John H. Watson, MD

The premiere episode of The Fourth Wall, “Clipped Wings,” will run on Wednesday, September 27th. Therefore, over the next several weeks here on the blog we’ll run brief introductions to the characters for the show. Last week we discussed the series’ lead, Abigail Westing. Read all about her here.

This week, let’s catch up with John H. Watson, MD. At the tender age of 165 years, he suspects that he might have lived a bit too long. At this point, he wonders if he even can die. Many years have passed since he last cracked a case with Sherlock Holmes, but he is busier than ever. 

He currently serves as the Director of the Fourth Wall. He maintains the fragile peace between the fictional and real worlds, and protects both your lives, and those of your heroes. His days are also filled with a litany of bureaucratic tasks for which he hadn’t bargained, like breaking up fights between frightened villagers and kindly monsters, or enduring the complaints of the anthropomorphic birds working in The Fourth Wall’s mail room. It certainly isn’t the life he envisioned for himself when he first met his old friend Sherlock during the “A Study in Scarlet.”

Guilt from a lifetime of mistakes dominates Watson’s thoughts. His only comfort is knowing that Merlin made far more errors in his day. He is possessed of one purpose: either destroy, or bring to justice the creature who once lived as Vlad the Impaler, and now travels as the vampire, Count Dracula.

One element is crucial to the completion of what might be his final case, and that is to ensure that Abigail Westing—a person from the Real World—joins the ranks of The Fourth Wall. A real person has never been allowed access to The Wall, but Watson is insistent on keeping his reasons for the exception to himself.

Watson is cranky and irascible, yet grandfatherly and protective. The people of The Fourth Wall trust him with their lives, and he does not take that trust lightly. And yet, he still dreams of the days where he chased murderers into the night with a volatile genius, and the love he had to leave behind in his story.

Watson is voiced by Bill Fisher. As I’m writing this, I am editing a key scene in Episode 2. Move over Nigel Bruce, Jude Law, and Martin Freeman. Bill Fisher is John Watson. I keep feeding him pages of exposition, but he keeps knocking it out of the park. By any reasonable measure, he has been with Party Now Apocalypse Later Industries longer than anyone else. Way back in the day, he played Really Good Man in our first film. For some reason, he keeps coming back when I’ve got a new project in the hopper. He’s my oldest friend, and I find it nearly unfathomable to not have him involved in a project. In addition to playing the role, Fisher did the artwork on the covers for The Devil Lives in Beverly Hills and Orson Welles of Mars. He also designed the logo for The Fourth Wall, and did the art for one of the forthcoming trading cards (more on that next week).

Speaking of next week: Watch this space, as we’ll take a little trip that famed midnight dreary. While there— 

Squawk!

Sorry, what’s that? 

That “poem” is a one-note caricature of the many-layered splendor that is me, okay? 

Uh, sure. Can we talk about that next week?

I suppose.

And the week after that, we’ll stay the night in a lonely, ruined castle high atop the Transylvanian hills. Will we survive to tell the tale—

Squawk! HE’s not here, is he?

Reggie?

Squawk!

Be quiet.

Caw-CAW.

Can’t remember the last time I was interrupted in the middle of a blog... Anyway: until then, friends. In the mean time, find where to subscribe to The Fourth Wall podcast here.

Meet Abigail Westing

With enough completed product to give us here at Party Now, Apocalypse Later Industries, I can say with 100% certainty that the premiere episode of The Fourth Wall, “Clipped Wings,” will run on Wednesday, September 27th. Therefore, over the next several weeks here on the blog we’ll run brief introductions to the characters for the show.

This week, let’s meet Abigail Westing. She’s both a former professor of literature and a soldier. Currently, she is the latest recruit to the ranks of The Fourth Wall. Hailing from our world—that is, the non-fiction one—she is unique in the history of The Wall. Since the days of antiquity when Merlin built The Fourth Wall to cover for his own grievous error, no one from the Real World has been allowed to work—or, for that matter, know about—The Wall.

Why has Director Watson broken this long-standing rule? Only he knows, and he is not about to let others know his reasoning. Despite receiving no answers as to why she is here, Westing has left behind the friends and life she knew before to join the eclectic crew of The Wall. It can be a bit of a challenge growing accustomed to living among fictional characters. Her mentor is Sherlock Holmes’ best friend, her best friend is the bird from Edgar Allan Poe’s “The Raven,” and Count Dracula wants her dead. She can meet the Connecticut Yankee from King Arthur’s Court, travel via H.G. Wells’ Time Machine, and call upon any fictional hero to help her out in a pinch. It’s a good life, despite the dangers and frustrations. She’s found the one job that uses all of her training in equal measure, and the stories she has immersed herself in all her life are now a reality.

In all honesty, she’s had far worse jobs.

Now, some of you might be wondering why on earth I would want my main protagonist to be a woman…

If you’re really wondering that much, maybe don’t listen to the show? You’ll be missed, sort of…

Anyway, for those of you still around, in the radio show, Westing is voiced by Jill Sutton. Jill majored in Performance Theater in college and brings a polish and professionalism to the proceedings that is vital to Abigail’s essence. Here’s what she had to say about taking on the role:

Now this is a story all about how my life got flipped, turned upside-down. And I'd like to take a minute, just sit right there and I'll tell you how I got involved with a group called The Fourth Wall…

She added, after we got her some guacamole:

Abigail brings a sense of innocence to The Fourth Wall that I feel the veteran members lack. In reading for Abigail, I really tried to capture the sense of awe and wonderment that a "real person" may experience when entering a world where your favorite character could come walking around a corner at any minute. She is able to provide real-world solutions to (fake-world? fictional-world? help me out here!) problems. She is fiercely loyal to her old friends and her new family, and has a no-nonsense attitude when any of them are threatened.

Next week, we’ll learn a little bit about what John Watson, MD has been up to since the days of his adventures at 221B Baker Street. Before the premiere of “Clipped Wings,” we’ll make quick stops into the work of Bram Stoker and Edgar Allan Poe. In the mean time, find where to subscribe to the show here.

Introducing The Fourth Wall OR Reality is a Dreadful Place. I Try to Spend as Little Time There as Possible.

Growing up, I had a reputation in our house for having… let’s call it “trouble”… with the difference between fantasy and reality. 

I don’t think I was ever more upset than when—in the summer of ’89—I flashed my Batman™ flashlight into the sky, and realized that the bat symbol would not illuminate the night sky. 

Totally reputable scientists can tell me that time travel is impossible as many times as they like, but I’m never going to quite believe it, mainly because I don’t want to. 

I had little aptitude for math or foreign languages, but I had enough of a working knowledge of warp drive that I could probably finagle an acceptance to Starfleet Academy. 

In truth, I think I had an overdeveloped sense of fiction vs reality, and I mourned that immutable boundary*. I fully understood that I couldn’t vote Jed Bartlet for President, or join the Ghostbusters, but I never quite liked it.

When Michael Burris** talked about a radio show that was Sherlock Holmes meets Warehouse 13, it absolutely lit that same part of my imagination on fire. What if that border became mutable? What if—in a world where the difference between the fictional and the real meant little—we are subjected to a new slate of dangers? Who would protect us?

For the past year I’ve been working on that show, and while I’ve been alluding to it for months and am still working on the final touches, I'm excited to start sharing it with you now.

The Fourth Wall is a six-episode***, full-cast**** audio drama. The episodes will run each week starting in late September. The show will be available from the iTunes, Google Play, and Stitcher podcast platforms. Subscribe now! The Fourth Wall isn’t going to stop at just the radio show, though. There’s going to be a “Pick-The-Plot*****” tie-in book, trading cards, and a line of sugary breakfast cereals******.

I’d go into it all more, but I want you to hear about The Fourth Wall directly from the people that live there. You can subscribe now and listen to the first season trailer on any of the above-listed platforms, but you can also hear it here:

While I might pitch the show as Men in Black meets The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen*******, the place is far more than that in my head. It’s a bit Babylon 5, and a little bit Deep Space Nine. At times, it can feel like Casablanca at the height of the war; at others it will be as madcap as Greendale Community College. Frankly, if it turns out The Fourth Wall is real, I want to go to there.

Give me a few more weeks, and I’ll show you around the place, too. In the meantime, I’ll be posting a lot about the show in the next few weeks. Artwork, bonus material, the recipe for that breakfast cereal. At The Fourth Wall, we’re just getting started.

*Although, I will admit when Chandler briefly moved to Tulsa in the ninth season of Friends, I had to work through some stuff.

**Without question, there would be no The Fourth Wall without him.

***Don’t worry; it won’t end there. I already have ideas for a second season and… ahem… a Christmas special.

****In fact, I had the privilege to work with seventeen separate voice artists over the course of the season, and I only had to play eight or nine roles.

*****Similar to, but legally distinct from Choose Your Own Adventure. Ahem.

******I’m only lying about one of those. Which one might surprise you.

*******The comic book, not the movie. We’re not animals here.

An Endless Series of Disclaimers.

As I continue to finish other projects, my contributions to this blog become more and more of a chore. Some weeks, I manage to hit the target, others I miss. The only time I have truly whiffed—outside of hiring someone to do a guest blog—on getting an entry was shortly after the election. Things didn’t make any sense then, and they haven’t exactly started making more sense.

And yet, every time I try to run blog topics through my mind, they seem either ill-timed, or crass, or I’m not the right guy to make the point. I’ve come at this week’s entry from several different angles, and none of them work right. All I’ve managed to do is come up with a bunch of disclaimers to go in front of blogs I probably won’t write.

I wrote enough of them that, as fate would have it, they became a blog post all their own. 

—————

DISCLAIMER #1: At the end of the last week’s blog I promised some stuff coming down the pike. We here at Party Now, Apocalypse Later Industries are still waiting for some clearances on a few things. When that is done, we’ll get into it here. I’m anxious to share it with you. Deeply anxious. If you look into the directory here at the website, or (as of press time) go searching for certain terms on Stitcher, you might find some of the things idling in wait. The wheels are moving and they can’t be stopped now. But, it is another Sunday, and a blog must be posted.

—————

DISCLAIMER #2: Speaking of wheels that can’t—and by all rights shouldn’t—be stopped: As a child, I attended Robert E. Lee Elementary School. At the time, it never seemed like an issue to me. We were fed a regular diet of the historical anecdote that Lee was the gentle giant of the Lost Cause, and that he was so tragically torn about the issue of slavery and the Civil War. He was kind, and gentle to all people and all the woodland creatures. We even sang a song about how great he was.

It feels sort of nauseating now. However, when anything more than a cursory glance at history became available to me, I wasn’t terribly offended that I had been at such a place. It seemed eclectic. I went to Lee Elementary, George Washington Carver Middle School, and Booker T. Washington High School. Only in Oklahoma, amiright?

The more I think about it, the name needs to be changed. There are generations of children who had to sing songs in praise of this man whose sole claim to fame was spending a longer-than-average amount of time internally debating whether or not he should commit treason… and then went ahead and committed the treason anyway. A hero, indeed.

Maybe the pro-confederates and I can reach some sort of compromise (although we shouldn’t). We could change the name of the school to John Wilkes Booth Elementary School, so that we can lionize the legacy of a man who shot another man in the back, only to pause his escape to deliver a quick monologue to a captive audience. Or maybe we could change it to Jefferson Davis Elementary School. He was captured in a dress!

—————

DISCLAIMER #3, part one: That Davis felt comfortable in women’s clothing should be celebrated.

Part Two: He wasn’t actually captured in a dress, but if we’re going to fudge history, let’s reach for something better than Lee.

—————

DISCLAIMER #4: On some—possibly unearned—level, those last few felt a little glib. I like to keep the writing—especially on this blog—on the lighter side. It’s where I function best. Indeed, in my relatively few public speaking engagements, I’ve never been more unnerved by a stretch where the audience isn’t laughing. When I imagine you reading these posts or pages of the books I’ve written, I need you to be laughing. That’s my own hangup, but one I’m more often than not content to put to some kind of productive use.

Except, if I were tempted to write something about current events, there wouldn’t be a lot of funny to find out there. It makes me feel as if there is not much to be said at all. It’s easier to retreat back into work other than this blog. So, I’m sorry about that.

—————

DISCLAIMER #5: And yet, staying silent about any of this is capitulation. I understand that.

Nazis (and White Nationalists, and KKK members…) are bad, absolutely. People who are opposed to them are good, absolutely. There is no moral equivalency on this issue; any claim otherwise is a delusion. Oh so many things in life are a grey area; this is one of the few times when there is an absolute right and an absolute wrong. 

I deeply resent the fact that we live in a world where that all needs to be said. And yet, I also acknowledge that complaint is a profoundly minor one in the grander scheme of things. If it needs being said, I am content to say it.

If you believe otherwise, then you are free to do so. We are under no obligation to celebrate you, and laws dictate that we ought not punch you in the face.

And yet… You have such punchable faces.

Again, sorry.

—————

DISCLAIMER #6: I’m not actually so sorry about that last one.

Watch This, Not That: Adventures in Overthinking Bingewatching

My parents recently asked me if they would like Doctor Who. I mean, they probably, definitely would not like it. It’s a show about a guy* who travels throughout time and space fighting monsters and dragging fifty-plus years worth of weirdness and mythology with him wherever he goes. But then again, he** also gets into charming madcap adventures with people all throughout history, so maybe?

They asked me to recommend a few episodes to watch to see if its something they might be able to get into. This presented an interesting dilemma. How do you distill a multi-year (and in this case, a multi-decade) series into just a few episodes? In the age of binge watching, do I just tell people to watch the show and make up their own mind? That seems dismissive. Indeed, one of the best TV shows of all time, Star Trek: The Next Generation didn’t produce a begrudgingly watchable episode until its second season and wasn’t regularly interesting until its third. It’s hard to curate that watching by only saying, “Stick with it for a year and half, then it will get very good.”

Maybe we need to start making TV show mix tapes with episodes that symbolize the very best a show has to offer, and prime others to see what captured your imagination so completely. When it came to Doctor Who and my parents, I could really only come up with a few episodes that might capture their attention, from series 2’s “Tooth and Claw***” all the way to series 5’s “Vincent and the Doctor****”. So, no, my parents would probably not like Doctor Who.

But it got me thinking about other shows to make these mix tapes out of. Every hour of the first four years of The West Wing is near perfect, but I think I can come up with 22 episodes over the course of all seven seasons that can give viewers the experience of the entire show, except only the length of one season. Don’t believe me?

1. "Pilot"

2. "Let Bartlet Be Bartlet"

3. "What Kind of Day Has It Been*****"

4. "In The Shadow of Two Gunmen" (Parts One and Two)

5. "Noël"

6. "17 People"

7. "The Fall’s Gonna Kill You"

8. "Two Cathedrals"

9. "Manchester" (Part One and Two)

10. "Bartlet for America"

11. "Debate Camp"

12. "Game On"

13. "Election Night" 

14. "Red Haven’s On Fire"

15. "Commencement"

16. "Twenty-Five"

17. "The Dogs of War"

18. "Third-Day Story"

19. "Faith Based Initiative"

20. "2162 Votes"

21. "Election Day" (part two)

22. "Tomorrow"

Or Deep Space Nine.

1. "Emissary"

2. "The Jem’Hadar"

3. "The Search" (Part One and Two)

4. "The Die is Cast"

5. "The Way of the Warrior" (Part One and Two)

6. "Paradise Lost"

7. "Apocalypse Rising"

8. "By Inferno’s Light"

9. "Call to Arms"

10. "A Time to Stand"

11. "Sacrifice of Angels"

12. "In the Pale Moonlight"

13. "Tears of the Prophets"

14. "Penumbra"

15. "Til Death Do Us Part"

16. "Strange Bedfellows"

17. "The Changing Face of Evil"

18. “When it Rains…”

19. "Tacking Into the Wind"

20. "Extreme Measures"

21. "The Dogs of War"

22. "What you Leave Behind"

These aren’t even my favorite episodes. They merely cut through to the quick of the overarching storyline. You could do it with any number of shows (as long as they aren’t particularly episodic, I’m looking in your direction TNG******). Buffy, Babylon 5*******, and certainly LOST could all benefit from the treatment.

Under normal circumstances, I might apply the process to some of these other shows, but I’ve been a bit busy this weekend. I’ve been making plans and working like a dog (or a bird) to get my own show up on its legs. I keep promising more on this topic, and next week I just might deliver.

Until then, my friends.

*And soon-to-be-a-woman. #whyisthissomethingthatmakespeoplemad #ifyouthinkthisisoverlypcyouareaverydumbperson #yesmythirteenthdoctor Although, to be fair she will be the fourteenth doctor, to get technical. #gallifreystands #RIPJohnHurt.

**And soon-to-be she. #yesmyfourteenthdoctor.

***Even though it features werewolves.

****Even if it includes the Krafayis monster (which…krafays things), everybody should watch that episode.

*****Not to be confused with the episode “What Kind of Day Has it Been” featured in Sports Night, Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip, and The Newsroom… For the uninitiated among you, it might be best to prepare for Sorkin to repeat himself from time-to-time.

******I often want to condense the rewatching experience for episodic shows, but the best way to do that is if Netflix got serious about innovation and adopted the “random episode” function in their platform. The FXX app’s Simpson World has it, WHY CAN’T YOU? End of rant. Although, if I’m honest with myself, I think I’ve made that rant on this space before.

*******Just skip the first season and you’re halfway there.

Guest Blog: Inadequacy by Z Lee Schulein

This week, we have another guest blog from a new writer, Z Lee Schulein. You won't be able to find their work anywhere at the moment, as this is their first published work, but you will know their name soon. They've been struggling lately with an overwhelming feeling that writers new and weathered (and people in other artistic fields) deal with all of the time: the feeling of inadequacy. I can tell you without a doubt that Z Lee is MORE than adequate, and I am happy to share with you their thoughts on that scourge we've all had to deal with before.  

A few weeks ago I submitted a three page piece of fiction (a very small fraction of a larger novel) to my writing critique group. I've been putting off asking the group to critique this particular work because I've been writing and re-writing it for the better part of my life* and it has become my baby. 

I wasn't hesitating to submit it to the group because I thought they were not going to like it. I hesitated because I was sure that these people, who I knew could be trusted to give me their honest and professional opinions about my work (and have done so in the past) would tell me exactly what I feared and secretly did not want to admit to myself: I'm wasting my time with this idea and I'm a shit writer. I was worried they would hate what had become my life’s work.

Nobody said anything like that. Not even close. 

And yet, no one seemed terribly impressed with the idea or interested in the rest of the story, either. To be fair, they didn't have much of it to begin with. It’s nearly impossible to tell what you feel about a novel after only reading three pages. None of that mattered at the time, though; when one settles into a state of feeling relentlessly inadequate, rational thoughts are only worth their weight.

So I took to Facebook in the wee hours of the morning, convinced I couldn't bring my concerns to any of my friends and also needing an outlet to complain through. A half dozen vague** posts and several sugary treats later, and I didn't feel any better. I would have to worry about my complete lack of skills another day. 

Only, if I really lacked skills, I would have quit a long, long time ago. And I know that--friends told me so in the comments. Why then, does imperfect creativity breed an unending sense of failure in some people? I actually didn't think I was going to have an answer to this question when I started. I thought I'd just type up some snarky self-deprecating piece that might be weirdly cathartic.

Art isn't supposed to be perfect, and yet artists put themselves under such pressure to remove every flaw. It can sometimes turn what was once a hobby into a chore. Most people who pick up creative habits don't do it because they think they'll make a quick buck off it. They do it because it brings them some kind of joy, and if at some point along the way they can share their work with others (perhaps even turning it into a career) then all the better!

I started writing because I wanted to keep track of the fantasy world and adventures my neighborhood friends and I were creating. As a kid I didn't know what plot holes were. I didn't care about themes or genres. I just made something up and did what I could to make sure I would remember it. At some point along the way, it stopped being for me and my friends, and started being for "the publisher"***.

The realization that writing isn't much fun anymore shouldn't have been a shocker. Writers will tell you all of the time to just write the story you want to write so that it's still enjoyable. Maybe the reason it's the most common advice isn't because people think I need to hear it, but because this sense of inadequacy is so normal, everyone needs the reminder.

Mac asked me if this was the end of my writing career. I hesitated before answering. I still feel like my writing is shit. Maybe it's not as shitty as I first felt after the critiquing process, but it is still hard to open that novel and do anything with it. What if nothing helps? What if everything I've done to preserve the memory of those popsicle-sticky, humid summer nights a decade or so ago, when we raced to have as much fun as possible before the street lights came on, has been utterly useless? What if I wasted all of the countless hours trying to improve my writing-style so others would appreciate our game as much as we did?

I submitted the piece in the hopes of getting a serious critique, and that's what I got. But is this the end? I've been with this story for so long that I'll be damned if anyone is going to call me a quitter over it. I've put it down in the past, sometimes for a year or two at a time, but I've always come back to it. If there was only one story I'd ever be able to put out there for others to read, it would be this one. So it might be a bit before I continue with it, but no one has seen the last of the story I have to tell.

Especially not me.

*This makes me sound older and wiser than I am. I started writing this at age 11 and I am now 23.

**Here I’m using a word which would typically mean "communicating in an unclear or imprecise way". If you had seen the actual posts, you would agree this is a gross understatement.

***Which I don't even have, by the way.