Director: Richard Fleischer
Cast: Arnold Schwarzenegger, Grace Jones, Wilt Chamberlain, Mako
Have I Seen It Before?: With so many series released slightly before my time, I feel as if I saw both of the Schwarzenegger-led Conan films in some kind of congealed blob on cable. I’m reasonably sure that I never say down with the specific intention of watching the movie, though.
Did I like it?: As I was watching Conan the Barbarian (1982), my wife found the notion that I was enjoying the film somewhat perplexing. I’ve never been a fan of fantasy in general. I’ve fallen asleep through most films based on the works of J.R.R. Tolkien, and I’d rather do almost anything than spend any time with C.S. Lewis. But there was something about the original film that works. It’s the singular nature of the character, and his ability to embody the spirit of the filmmaker in question while mostly avoiding sermonizing on the topic of its ideals.
Then they had to go and fuck it all up with a sequel. The first mistake was likely to drain all of the violence out of the picture, in an effort to somehow amplify the box office. It didn’t work, and we are left with a far less remarkable film. One might give it the excuse of being released mere weeks before PG-13 gave films some sort of middle ground between PG and R, but it does not change the fact that we are stuck with a toothless film.
It doesn’t make up for the loss in visceral action by making Conan more of hero, either. He is a bland cypher, content to swing his sword around and hint at the future where he will wear a crown upon a troubled brow. This film might have even benefited from being less subtle about its ideas, if they were truly intending the film to be for children, but those notions are gone for one of the blandest action fantasy films of the 1980s, and that is saying something. The original aims for ideals and ideas, and it’s reasonable to debate whether or not it hit those targets. This film aims for nothing, and somehow misses.